What If You Do NEED a Man?

So I was on the train, browsing my CNN.com headlines when I came across the title above. Intrigued, I clicked on it and read the story. Check it out for yourself:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/08/18/tf.women.need.a.man/index.html

What if you do NEED a man?

By Leonora Epstein

"Some women are just happier in a relationship."

As my shrink said this, my jaw dropped to the floor. Did she really just say that? The woman who had feminist literature on her bookshelf and never failed to induce a pep rally of self-empowerment at the end of each session?

We were, of course, discussing (OK fine, I was complaining about) my lack of a boyfriend, and inability to get over some of the ones I did have.

For me, I surmised from my psychotherapy high horse, the issue was about loneliness and, therefore, about some childhood father complex. I thought I sounded smart; it seemed like something my psychiatrist would say herself.

But her response was both jarring and a relief: Some women are just happier in a relationship.

Huh? Isn't the modern woman supposed to be totally amazing on her own? But at the same time, the tension in my heart unclenched as I considered the phrase that potentially answered all of my romantic issues.

Was I one of those women? And do they really exist? Looking back, I began to think it might be true. When in committed relationships, I was happier. When single, I was depressed. Perhaps this was chance, but I realized that I took better care of my life with a boyfriend by my side. I kept things cleaner to show respect for his presence in my living space. I bathed more often and took care of my acne-prone skin.

I dug up a paper I wrote during my senior year of college when I was living with the man I planned (at the time) to marry. Based on Daniel Miller's "A Theory of Shopping," I had explored the author's hypothesis that purchasing could be motivated by love, and proved it by shamelessly charting a week's worth of my purchases.

At the time, the list was comedic (I had a friendship with my very giving professor). But now looking at my list, I see a zeal and motivation I don't always find in my life now. In buying skim milk, bran cereal, flax bread, I was taking pride in eating healthy. With the new dishes and wine glasses, I added sophistication to our home. I recalled feeling satisfied and grown up when we began enjoying food on matching plates and not drinking Pinot Grigio out of mugs.

When I recently asked my friends about this idea of "being better with a man" or "needing a man," a good handful of them confirmed this belief. (Definitely not all, mind you.)

One said, "I'm more organized, in control, and positive when I'm receiving male attention ... a relationship is enough to keep me motivated and excited." Another friend, Olivia, told me, "In a relationship, I have someone else to answer to. There is another person who is close enough to me to know when I'm being lazy or not living up to my potential, so that pushes me to actually be more active."

For Olivia and me, efforts of self-sufficiency outside of relationships can sometimes fall short, or more often, turn into faking that whole "I'm an awesome single woman" thing.

And I'm sorry, I do know that I'm awesome, but getting there is exhausting. I'm not saying this is everyone, but that perhaps there are women -- and men! -- who need sex with trust, or who rely on spouses for friendship rather than large social networks. And perhaps "needing a man" is an indication of the more basic human instinct -- not for reproduction, but for companionship.

The idea still doesn't sit right with me as someone who has put so much energy into making me happy. But, then again, there's a lot to say for someone who chooses to be happy. Even if it means the choice includes a man.

Interesting...

I'm not quite sure where to begin. I guess I should first say that I can see where this author is coming from. It's true. SOME women really are happier in a relationship, just as SOME men are too.

Here is where I have an issue:

When I recently asked my friends about this idea of "being better with a man" or "needing a man," a good handful of them confirmed this belief. (Definitely not all, mind you.)

One said, "I'm more organized, in control, and positive when I'm receiving male attention ... a relationship is enough to keep me motivated and excited." Another friend, Olivia, told me, "In a relationship, I have someone else to answer to. There is another person who is close enough to me to know when I'm being lazy or not living up to my potential, so that pushes me to actually be more active."

For Olivia and me, efforts of self-sufficiency outside of relationships can sometimes fall short, or more often, turn into faking that whole "I'm an awesome single woman" thing.

I have a problem with that statement because it makes it sound like women need men in order to take care of themselves, which I don't agree with. In fact, I feel like a lot of women let themselves go when they're in a relationship because they're not trying to attract a man (they already have one) so they go easy on the exercising and nibbling on salads and don't feel the need to dress to impress like they once might have.

I also found it problematic that one of her friends said "I'm more organized, in control and positive when I'm receiving male attention." Yes, we all like attention from the opposite sex (or whatever sex you're attracted to). It makes us feel wanted and no one wants to feel unwanted. But for it to physically change things like whether you feel in control or not or whether you're feeling positive or not is a problem. Or at least I see it that way. It reads as insecure. And the relationship is confirmation that there is someone for you, at least at that moment. It's your self-esteem booster of the moment.

Before I start to sound like a bitter relationship basher, I want to say I support relationships and having someone there. I think when relationships are good, healthy, mutually beneficial relationships then YES, it's better for you than being single. You do need that counterpart to help you grow as a person. Not to change you but to complement you. I see it in a few relationships around me and I both admire and envy it.

Buuut, unfortunately, I also feel like a good number of the relationships I see around me are not that healthy. At least not yet. I feel like more often than not, I hear about issues or problems in relationships that are not your normal problems to work through. It seems like the people in these relationships spend more time being miserable and working through the relationship than enjoying the benefits of being in a good relationship. And this is where I think it's better to be single. When something is draining you emotionally or making you feel as if you're not yourself anymore, what is the point of being in that situation? To hold on to the "in a relationship" status? I just don't know if it's always worth it.

So my final verdict is that no one NEEDS a man or woman but we do benefit from companionship and someone that will lift you up and not knock you down, whether it's a friend, significant other or family member. I also strongly believe that people have to be okay with themselves because depending on someone else for your happiness is just a disaster waiting to happen. Yes, it's easier said than done, but it's at least worth a try.