I Want to Redefine My 2009

Why did I feel the need to rhyme in my title? Just a little rhetorical question to start off this entry.

2009.

I've been telling some people about the end of my 2008 and it was kind of eventful. I got back from Jamaica and discovered my liquor had broken in my bag, soaking all of my clothes. This was followed by me bursting into tears in the middle of LaGuardia Airport at the thought of all of my clothes ruined. But about 30 minutes after this I put things in perspective. I landed in New York. Safe. And to be honest, it felt touch and go while I was in the air because that was some of the worst turbulence I've ever felt. I tried to remain calm but I was really muttering under my breath, please Lord, let me see 2009.

This is not to overdramatize my flight or make it seem like a life and death situation but I realized when I spent my New Years hand-washing my rum cream-soaked clothes that everything is okay now. My clothes will be okay, but bigger than that, I am okay. 2009 is going to be more than okay.

I know at the beginning of the year, everyone is always so determined to follow through on their resolution. I want to lose weight, I want to quit smoking, I want to find a better job, etc. The list goes on and on. And over time, the determination fades and not much changes. At least not for most.

I am trying so hard for that not to be me. My resolution doesn't include weight loss or anything of that nature. My 2009 plan is to not lose me. In fact, it's to gain me. I think about the past year and I feel like in some respects, I am well on my way to gaining me but in others, I have held back, both in words and in actions. I am not doing that this year. I will put more of me out there and not lose site of my goals. I want to be able to enter 2010 and think wow, 2009 did not go by in vain. I had a purpose. I spoke my mind. I wasn't dragged down by bullshit, both internal and external. I was out with the old and in with the new.

I am trying every single day to let go of some things. And at the same time, to stay focused on other things. To not be afraid to embrace it.

A month from now, two months from now, three months and so forth, I will make a conscious effort to look back on this entry and not forget the determination I have as I write this. I dread falling into complacency or becoming a shadow of my former self. And I think it takes work on everyone's part to stay true to who you are, because life will put obstacle after obstacle after obstacle in front of you, and all you can do is decide whether to let it build up and block you or kick it out of the way and keep going.

I will truly try to redefine my 2009.