Too Much Responsibility

Responsibility is a funny thing. When you have too much of it, you start to despise having it. And then you start to rebel. And with that rebellion comes stupid actions and no thoughts. At least that's my relationship with responsibility. Basically, I've been the responsible one my entire life, the dependable one. And lately I've been so tired of being that person. So tired of being responsible that recently I did something that was completely opposite of responsible. And even as I felt guilt over it, I had other people turning to me because I was so "responsible." And as much as I consider these people my friends and helped them, I disliked their dependence on me. Just because I'm responsible does not mean I am not without doubts or insecurities or stupidity or depression. And that stupidity was brought to light today. Before I stood on a pedestal for this person and today, I tumbled and I tumbled hard. It's disconcerting and painful to watch that change in someone's eyes and know it's because you rebelled against the large amount of responsibility that resides within you, that you disrespected that person and their authority.

Remorse is natural, shame following right after. What hurts the most is the loss of trust. Not for me but for that person. I don't know how long it will take before I get back on that pedestal or even if I will ever be that high again. I don't think I will. And for me, who's always been that person on the pedestal, it's sad to see yourself fall and know it's because of you. Then again, I'm human. And sometimes I need someone to depend on too. So excuse me if I mess up and excuse me if I just don't feel like being that shoulder to lean on. I'm tired of being that shoulder and not having that shoulder offered. I just hope that moment of me being so human and irresponsible doesn't make one of the people whom I respect the most suffer.